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"Being Alone During the Pandemic"

Being Alone During the Pandemic

Late last night, I sent out an s.o.s. to my late husband on the other side

and to the Holy Ones who guide my life.

PLEASE HELP ME NOW!!!

I can't bear to be alone

The closets are cleaned

The garden is weeded, roses trimmed, fruit trees pruned

The dog has been walked again and again

The laundry is completely done

The dishwasher has been unloaded

And every floor has been swept, washed and polished

I have read 15 Mary Higgins Clark suspense novels

All my favorite television shows and finished for the season

   and, they may not return after the pandemic

My favorite restaurant in Santa Fe is going under

   having lost 70% of its business

The small business nurseries have been closed

   and the large corporations like Lowe's, Home Depot and Target

   are thriving

I worry about the spaces in between things

What do I do when my calendar is blank for the day

Sometimes a panic button goes off

Sometimes I am open to the blank white page

I've been lonely for a long time

I don't even know when it started

It's been my shameful secret, my dark adversary

   and my longing for connection

It's not that I am more lonely now

   or more fearful

about being alone

It's that withdrawing from the world

   makes the loneliness more poignant,

   real, and palpable

What's missing here is my own mercy

   I long to find the place inside

   where I can rock myself, cradle myself

   sing sweet songs

I am not alone in this great grief cry

   perhaps millions suffer loneliness right along side me

   and we are all sending out one giant SOS

 

by:  Patricia Flasch, April 20, 2020

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Deleted user

Dear Patricia,

Thank you for this poignant writing!  It echoes what many people are feeling at the moment: how this pandemic has intensified personal loneliness that isn't new, accentuating alienation, losses, and fears that were brewing long before Covid-19 and now demand scrutiny and healing. As you're learning (and knew already, in all likelihood), staying busy isn't enough -- in fact, it becomes camouflage for what's underneath. Sooner of later, if we want well-being and a peace that doesn't disappear every time we STOP, everyone needs to figure out what to do about "the spaces in between things," as you put it, that cause you so much worry. I hope you'll use this time to write more about the loneliness you've tried to avoid -- what do you long for?  how do you resist it? -- and look forward to reading more about this if you'd like to submit your continuing thoughts. It's helpful to us all!

Take good care of yourself.  It's good to have you with us in The Seekers Forum!

Mark 

Hello Patricia-

I am part of the grief chorus of loneliness of which you speak, forming the giant SOS.  

Your beautiful poem gently reminds me of the truth of my own loneliness.  I really resonated with your lines about finding the place inside where you can “rock and cradle “yourself and “sing sweet songs.”  

Right before the world shutdown, one of my best friends was hospitalized with kidney failure.  The thought of losing her brought on a sense of panic.  

I wrote a poem about forming a cradle of words, as my attempt to comfort both her and me.  My friend survived, after a week in hospital. Now we are grateful that it happened before the great shut-down.  She went into it in an improved state of health.  

My friend found the poem helpful for slipping into sleep.  It was simply instructions to myself. You may find something more to yourself through your own  writing.  

Here is what I did as inner dialogue.

Cradle of Words

Here is a cradle, made of words,

to hold the weariness that sometimes 

haunts  the heart,

forgotten memories of both

the bitter and the sweet.

You are done with all that striving, 

moving towards a dream of rest, 

no need for doing now.

Instead, let go of everything 

that tuts you,

or says “what is should not be”.

As your heavy-lidded eyes close,

you can open into seeing  as

a sound of gently lapping waves,

and hear as variations of light... 

Your senses strangely joining —

you feel yourself as a gathering.

Something larger than this ego,

That gets so tired from 

pretending  to be someone

that it’s not.

Everything that happens is what 

it needs to be, in the perfect 

imperfection of this moment,

if you stop making sense-

Just let things be.

Listen to the silence 

that  is watchful love,

bringing you protection.

Your blessings blanket you as slumber,

rocking on waters of divine love.

Innocence refreshes you.

Sweet sleep.  

————

I hope you’ll share more of your journey in this space ( and your  phrasing, “the spaces in between things”- so spot on!)

—Devon B

 

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Deleted user

Patricia it's inspiring how with your writing you are 'singing sweet songs' that fill "the space between things'. And through sharing you are creating community that heals loneliness. I am really moved and enter my own heart and connect to my own need to find my "own mercy.. the place inside.. rock.. cradle.. sing.. cry". Thank you.

- Grace Denise

Devon your words are beautiful and I plan to come back to reread  them so I can remember them "Listen to the silence that is watchful love... sweet sleep".  

- Grace Denise

Quote from DevonB on April 2020, 5:00 pm

Hello Patricia-

I am part of the grief chorus of loneliness of which you speak, forming the giant SOS.  

Your beautiful poem gently reminds me of the truth of my own loneliness.  I really resonated with your lines about finding the place inside where you can “rock and cradle “yourself and “sing sweet songs.”  

Right before the world shutdown, one of my best friends was hospitalized with kidney failure.  The thought of losing her brought on a sense of panic.  

I wrote a poem about forming a cradle of words, as my attempt to comfort both her and me.  My friend survived, after a week in hospital. Now we are grateful that it happened before the great shut-down.  She went into it in an improved state of health.  

My friend found the poem helpful for slipping into sleep.  It was simply instructions to myself. You may find something more to yourself through your own  writing.  

Here is what I did as inner dialogue.

Cradle of Words

Here is a cradle, made of words,

to hold the weariness that sometimes 

haunts  the heart,

forgotten memories of both

the bitter and the sweet.

You are done with all that striving, 

moving towards a dream of rest, 

no need for doing now.

Instead, let go of everything 

that tuts you,

or says “what is should not be”.

As your heavy-lidded eyes close,

you can open into seeing  as

a sound of gently lapping waves,

and hear as variations of light... 

Your senses strangely joining —

you feel yourself as a gathering.

Something larger than this ego,

That gets so tired from 

pretending  to be someone

that it’s not.

Everything that happens is what 

it needs to be, in the perfect 

imperfection of this moment,

if you stop making sense-

Just let things be.

Listen to the silence 

that  is watchful love,

bringing you protection.

Your blessings blanket you as slumber,

rocking on waters of divine love.

Innocence refreshes you.

Sweet sleep.  

————

I hope you’ll share more of your journey in this space ( and your  phrasing, “the spaces in between things”- so spot on!)

—Devon B

 

Hi Devon, thanks for your kind comments.  It's really good to have feedback.  The lines in. your poem that spoke to me were "weariness that haunts the heart," "let go of what is should not be", and the last few lines I've read many times - "your blessings blanket you as slumber, rocking on waters of divine love, innocence refreshes you, sweet sleep" I find those lines so comforting...I know that kind of weariness and I use the Byron Katie process every day so that I can learn to accept what is.    Blessings,. Patricia 

Hello, Patricia-  I am glad you found some comfort in my words, as I did in yours.  This “ learning to accept what is “ is constant in its changing, which seems both frustrating and heartening.  I’m glad we can share company on this quest- Devon.